If I wanted a person
Right now
To be responsible to
I’d have a partner
I wouldn’t have left
The relationship
That was no longer fulfilling my needs
If I wanted a person
To consider before
I make any decision for myself
I wouldn’t be living alone
In a space of my own
Where I can come and go as I please
If I wanted a person
To tell me I live life too intensely
Or change my plans
To adhere to their world view
I’d have a person
Usually I’m scared
Worried about what might be
Pissed off by delayed trains
And anxious a hotel booking
Doesn’t exist
I know the company covers it
Sorts all of this for me
Doesn’t stop the anxiety
As I spend hours trying to get here
This time I’m not worried
Slight twinges of will I have a room
But my intrusive thoughts
Shake off this negativity
Who cares ?
If I don’t have a room I get one
And charge it back to the company,
They sent me here
It’s their fault if they didn’t plan
Regardless it’ll work for me
As I cannot be onsite
From several hours commute away
Right now that train of thought is winning
Regardless of what faces me here
Atleast I’m not working at home
I don’t know what words
I want to commit to page
I don’t know where I am
What my head thinks
At this stage
I’m settling out
Mood equalising
On the pills prescribed to me
Fortnightly check ins
Chatting with my GP
I am incredibly sad
That’s it
That’s the story
I’m sad
So sad I feel I might cry
In fact I probably will
I think I’ve messed up
But not for me
I think I’ve messed you up
By leaving
Doing the best thing for me
Might just have been the worst for you
I never wanted to hurt you
Never ever
And to think I’ve made you sad
Hurts me more
Than leaving ever did
I left a piece of my heart there
I don’t know why
And I wasn’t planning it when I chose to go
There’s a piece of my heart on that tiny town in the cornish coast
A place full of my people
Get the good and the bad
But it’s all good fun
There’s a piece of my heart there
Tugging like an elastic band,
Pulling me back
I don’t know if I’ll make it
But I really wish I could
I’m to not go too hard on myself
Take it easy
There’s so much going on
So much out of my control
Landed with things I didn’t ask for
That I want to much to say no to
Just not yet
Not right now
Take it easy
One thing at a time
Not taking it too far
To have everything all at once
Side note , this is why I stopped writing for a few months. The few things I did write may never see the light of day
My dad’s got cancer
I feel like I should be writing about it
Processing
Using the words to sooth the pain
But all I can do is cry
Everyone deals with cancer differently
My only friend who’s had a parent go through the same thing
Reassures me
As my mum says she wants us to keep going as normal
Everyone else is asking questions
So many questions
What stage? How do they know?
Is it treatable?
I don’t have any of these answers
And if i did
I don’t know if I’d share
So many questions
Everytime my phone buzzes
Someone else asking something else
I don’t know
All I want to do is
Cry
The end result is switching my phone off
I’ve told you
Now leave me alone
Tomorrow’s a day
A new thing
Good thing
The new day and the new opportunity
Nervousness settles in my bones
What will it be like?
What if I don’t like it?
But I don’t know that yet
Tomorrow’s the day
I find it all out
There are days
Where my all
Just might not be very much
Giving it my all
Not quite enough
To even say I started
The best of me on these days
Says give up
Give it a rest
Put it down and restart
On another day
Sleepless tonight
I’m not stressed
Or worked up
I guess this is what you’d call mania
Always on the go
Racing round my head at a million miles an hour
But never getting anywhere
Or taking anything with you
It’s not like there’s bad thoughts
Or even really good ones
Just thoughts
Constantly switched on
The kind I take my medication
So I can sleep
Rhiannon Writes 
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