I can measure the state of my mental health
By the lines left in ny skin
Some scarlet and bumpy
Some pale and thin
I can measure my relationship with food
By the gap between the waistband
Of my jeans And the hips poking through
Like the knuckles in my hand
There’s poems that sit
Alone in my notes
Their loneliness
A reminder that sometimes it’s okay
To not tell everyone everything
I can keep secrets of my own
Sat Alone
They tell a story
Of my darkest moments
The ones I’m not sure
Wether to share would be worse
When I’ve written for myself
Words on a page
To help my busy brain
Extract the feelings
Make sense of them
Doesn’t mean anyone else needs to see them
They are mine
And mine alone
Sat on my own in a spoons
A few years ago, I could think of nothing worse
A few months ago, I’d have been terrified of the idea
But faced with interacting with strangers
That aren’t even strange
People I know on the off hand
Not well enough to keep up
Not well enough to fill in
On the dramatic swings my life takes
At every given turn
I’d rather sit on my own
In a crowded bar
Alone with my own thoughts
Surrounded by strangers’ conversations to keep
My busy brain from running circles round itself
I’m not sober but I’m awake so that’s a win.
I stopped having feelings or opinions a couple of weeks ago
Around the time when things got super weird.
Out of control
Out of my control
Never thought I’d see the day
I stopped fighting
I stopped fighting for the guys.
I can’t even advocate for me right now let alone them.
How am I supposed to lead when I’m losing ?
Everything, every day
They ask me where I go when I don’t know the answers
To stuff knowing I don’t get on with the people I’m supposed to trust.
And I don’t have an answer because its technically them
They don’t want to go to them, and I’d normally just ask you.
You’re so far away
You’ve got your whole own life
And I’m just here
Not fighting anymore
‘I’m worried about my drinking’
It’s quite an honest conversation
Held in the calm of the office
Away from the chaos of the bar
‘Why’ ‘you’re doing okay’
That’s not how I feel
The pull of the numbing solution
To the way things have changed
Away from dealing with
Anything
I am incredibly sad
That’s it
That’s the story
I’m sad
So sad I feel I might cry
In fact I probably will
I think I’ve messed up
But not for me
I think I’ve messed you up
By leaving
Doing the best thing for me
Might just have been the worst for you
I never wanted to hurt you
Never ever
And to think I’ve made you sad
Hurts me more
Than leaving ever did
I’m to not go too hard on myself
Take it easy
There’s so much going on
So much out of my control
Landed with things I didn’t ask for
That I want to much to say no to
Just not yet
Not right now
Take it easy
One thing at a time
Not taking it too far
To have everything all at once
Too much on
And not enough time
I can’t do everything
Not all of its mine
I need some help
Time and space
Catch playing catch up
With everything
That I face
I was scares of going
Stepping into the unknown
The reality
Once forced upon me
Was an awakening
About what I am missing
What I used to have
Slotting into
A group of people
I’ve never met
They know everyone I do
And gossip about ones I don’t
A week that could of
Should of
Been so lonely
Passing easily,
With the passage of new friends
Ones I didn’t ask for
But in reality
I can’t help but adore
I’m so worried about going
Diving deep into this great unknown
Something I’ve done before
But not like this
Never like this
I’m there to work
Not just for the jolly
Or to see the sights
Exciting though it would be
Somewhere I’ve not been
People I haven’t yet known
Something new
Something unknown
Rhiannon Writes 
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