Tag: depression

Measurements – R.W.

I can measure the state of my mental health
By the lines left in ny skin
Some scarlet and bumpy
Some pale and thin

I can measure my relationship with food
By the gap between the waistband
Of my jeans And the hips poking through
Like the knuckles in my hand

by Rhiannon Writes

That Person – R.W.

I’m trying so hard
Not to be the person
Everyone insists I’m not
Defending me blindly
In error

I’m not all that
I’m not the person
I’m idolised to be
Pro me
Team me

I didn’t ask to be put
Up here on this pedestal
I don’t deserve

by Rhiannon Writes

Words On Their Own – R.W.

There’s poems that sit
Alone in my notes
Their loneliness
A reminder that sometimes it’s okay
To not tell everyone everything
I can keep secrets of my own

Sat Alone
They tell a story
Of my darkest moments
The ones I’m not sure
Wether to share would be worse

When I’ve written for myself
Words on a page
To help my busy brain
Extract the feelings
Make sense of them

Doesn’t mean anyone else needs to see them
They are mine
And mine alone

by Rhiannon Writes

Away Days – R.W.

Sat on my own in a spoons
A few years ago, I could think of nothing worse
A few months ago, I’d have been terrified of the idea
But faced with interacting with strangers
That aren’t even strange
People I know on the off hand
Not well enough to keep up
Not well enough to fill in
On the dramatic swings my life takes
At every given turn
I’d rather sit on my own
In a crowded bar
Alone with my own thoughts
Surrounded by strangers’ conversations to keep
My busy brain from running circles round itself

by Rhiannon Writes

Where To Turn? – R.W.

I’m not sober but I’m awake so that’s a win.

I stopped having feelings or opinions a couple of weeks ago
Around the time when things got super weird. 
Out of control
Out of my control
Never thought I’d see the day
I stopped fighting
I stopped fighting for the guys.
I can’t even advocate for me right now let alone them.
How am I supposed to lead when I’m losing ?
Everything, every day

They ask me where I go when I don’t know the answers
To stuff knowing I don’t get on with the people I’m supposed to trust.
And I don’t have an answer because its technically them
They don’t want to go to them, and I’d normally just ask you.
You’re so far away
You’ve got your whole own life
And I’m just here
Not fighting anymore

by Rhiannon Writes

Big Scary – R.W.

Writing for myself again
Became the big scary
Thinking about how everything that passed
Everything that made me stop
Stopped
Me from carrying on
From processing what was passing
Now I sit
Not quite stopped
Ticking by in minimal speed
Sorting through
Feelings and experience
Writing the ones I can fathom
Shelving the more complex
For when I am ready

by Rhiannon Writes

Working Away – R.W.

Usually I’m scared
Worried about what might be

Pissed off by delayed trains
And anxious a hotel booking
Doesn’t exist

I know the company covers it
Sorts all of this for me
Doesn’t stop the anxiety
As I spend hours trying to get here

This time I’m not worried
Slight twinges of will I have a room
But my intrusive thoughts
Shake off this negativity
Who cares ?
If I don’t have a room I get one

And charge it back to the company,
They sent me here
It’s their fault if they didn’t plan
Regardless it’ll work for me
As I cannot be onsite
From several hours commute away

Right now that train of thought is winning
Regardless of what faces me here
Atleast I’m not working at home

by Rhiannon Writes

Sifting – R.W.

I don’t know what words
I want to commit to page
I don’t know where I am
What my head thinks
At this stage

I’m settling out
Mood equalising
On the pills prescribed to me
Fortnightly check ins
Chatting with my GP

by Rhiannon Writes

The Sadness in Leaving -R.W.

I am incredibly sad
That’s it
That’s the story
I’m sad

So sad I feel I might cry
In fact I probably will
I think I’ve messed up
But not for me

I think I’ve messed you up
By leaving
Doing the best thing for me
Might just have been the worst for you

I never wanted to hurt you
Never ever
And to think I’ve made you sad
Hurts me more
Than leaving ever did

by Rhiannon Writes

Hospital 2 – R.W.

I want to start unpacking my trip
The baggage I bought home
From my unexpected hospital stay
I wasn’t trying to get admitted
Just a quick trip to the out of hours doctors
Who passed me on
Unexpected unprepared and with no belongings

I’m home now and I don’t know where to start
Processing how this changed me
The time spent wrapped up in myself
While forcibly in the company of other people
Comradory growing between the unlikeliest of pals
Cultivated by circumstance

All out on the table
In our worst states
No one gives a shit what you look like
On your Unexpected hospital stay

by Rhiannon Writes