I can measure the state of my mental health
By the lines left in ny skin
Some scarlet and bumpy
Some pale and thin
I can measure my relationship with food
By the gap between the waistband
Of my jeans And the hips poking through
Like the knuckles in my hand
Writing for myself again
Became the big scary
Thinking about how everything that passed
Everything that made me stop
Stopped
Me from carrying on
From processing what was passing
Now I sit
Not quite stopped
Ticking by in minimal speed
Sorting through
Feelings and experience
Writing the ones I can fathom
Shelving the more complex
For when I am ready
I spent 48 hrs in a&e
I know the TV program is 24 hrs
I didn’t even expect to be there that long
I didn’t expect to go at all
A Saturday evening trip to out of hours gp
Turned into an immersive summary
Of the state of the once great NHS
I didn’t have a bed
For any of the time I was admitted
The ladies who helped me
When my IV beeping it needed attention
Was keeping me up at night
Wrapped blankets around me as I shivered
Unable to hold my temperature
Were not nurses
The nurses were over run
With too many patients for the amount working
No the ladies of the IV lounge
We’re just further along in their journey than me
They never saw a bed either
48 hrs ahead of me
Discharged like an angel leaving
One at a time
As I’m half conscious, only slightly coherent
As the antibiotics start to kick in
Good bye my love
They finally discharged me
I hope you get out soon
And get well soon
I want to start unpacking my trip
The baggage I bought home
From my unexpected hospital stay
I wasn’t trying to get admitted
Just a quick trip to the out of hours doctors
Who passed me on
Unexpected unprepared and with no belongings
I’m home now and I don’t know where to start
Processing how this changed me
The time spent wrapped up in myself
While forcibly in the company of other people
Comradory growing between the unlikeliest of pals
Cultivated by circumstance
All out on the table
In our worst states
No one gives a shit what you look like
On your Unexpected hospital stay
I thought about writinging these
For my 46 hours in a&e
I thought of the good it would do
Selfishly mostly for me , helping my brain
Pleased with myself
For writing something for myself again
I thought about the bad
The impression it gives
Of the nurses where every single one
Did everything they could to make things better
Overwhelmed by a broken system
Side note , this is why I stopped writing for a few months. The few things I did write may never see the light of day
My dad’s got cancer
I feel like I should be writing about it
Processing
Using the words to sooth the pain
But all I can do is cry
Everyone deals with cancer differently
My only friend who’s had a parent go through the same thing
Reassures me
As my mum says she wants us to keep going as normal
Everyone else is asking questions
So many questions
What stage? How do they know?
Is it treatable?
I don’t have any of these answers
And if i did
I don’t know if I’d share
So many questions
Everytime my phone buzzes
Someone else asking something else
I don’t know
All I want to do is
Cry
The end result is switching my phone off
I’ve told you
Now leave me alone
Rhiannon Writes 