Big Scary – R.W.

Writing for myself again
Became the big scary
Thinking about how everything that passed
Everything that made me stop
Me from carrying on
From processing what was passing
Now I sit
Not quite stopped
Ticking by in minimal speed
Sorting through
Feelings and experience
Writing the ones I can fathom
Shelving the more complex
For when I am ready

Sifting – R.W.

I don’t know what words
I want to commit to page
I don’t know where I am
What my head thinks
At this stage

I’m settling out
Mood equalising
On the pills prescribed to me
Fortnightly check ins
Chatting with my GP

The Sadness in Leaving -R.W.

I am incredibly sad
That’s it
That’s the story
I’m sad

So sad I feel I might cry
In fact I probably will
I think I’ve messed up
But not for me

I think I’ve messed you up
By leaving
Doing the best thing for me
Might just have been the worst for you

I never wanted to hurt you
Never ever
And to think I’ve made you sad
Hurts me more
Than leaving ever did

Hospital 3 – R.W.

I spent 48 hrs in a&e

I know the TV program is 24 hrs

I didn’t even expect to be there that long

I didn’t expect to go at all

A Saturday evening trip to out of hours gp

Turned into an immersive summary

Of the state of the once great NHS

I didn’t have a bed

For any of the time I was admitted

The ladies who helped me

When my IV beeping it needed attention

Was keeping me up at night

Wrapped blankets around me as I shivered

Unable to hold my temperature

Were not nurses

The nurses were over run

With too many patients for the amount working

No the ladies of the IV lounge

We’re just further along in their journey than me

They never saw a bed either

48 hrs ahead of me

Discharged like an angel leaving

One at a time

As I’m half conscious, only slightly coherent

As the antibiotics start to kick in

Good bye my love

They finally discharged me

I hope you get out soon

And get well soon

Something New Before – R.W.

I’m so worried about going
Diving deep into this great unknown
Something I’ve done before
But not like this
Never like this
I’m there to work
Not just for the jolly
Or to see the sights
Exciting though it would be
Somewhere I’ve not been
People I haven’t yet known
Something new
Something unknown

Car Tears – R.W.

I’m crying in the car again
Tears rolling down my face again
Sadness creeping over me
Not sad about any particular thing
Just the collective sadness
Of my existence at the moment
Seeping out
Crawling down my face
In these times I’m on my own
Sat in the solitude
Of my commute

Out of Control – R.W.

There’s so many mixed emotions
I wouldn’t know where to start
To try to commit them to page
I don’t know what the theme
Of this passage will turn out to be
As I pick apart
The twisted strings
Of thoughts in side my head
It starts with a nice bloke
A genuinely good guy
And it ends with a panic attack
Caused by more questions than answers
No control over what’s overcoming me
Taking over
And sweeping me away with the tide
But it’s not the ocean
Take what we know
And factor in what we don’t
The result is mostly OK
But okay at best
And who wants to be just okay
The good and the bad
Tipping a scale
Until they’re so wrapped up in each other
That it’s not a scale
It’s yarn
Course hard bristly garden twine
Knotted and twisted
Some places it’s unravelled
No longer a string at all
Just it’s constitute elements
A fibre
That doesn’t know it’s supposed to be a string
So asks more questions
That the string can’t answer
Not all at once
Not fix everything that’s come undone
That’s when the panic sets in

Destruction – R.W.

Some days are very much
Lie in bed
Try to forget
Everything I touch
Turns to dust
Nothing nice
Allowed in my vicinity
I just can’t be trusted
To have nice things
So I hide from it
In bed
With a book
About someone else’s life

Comute – R.W.

I like the comute home
And sitting on the sofa
Eating my partners cold leftovers
Before I climb into bed
Time to relax
Shake off what happened today
Another day of new stresses
Wishing I had a normal job
But knowing I could never
Survive the 9 to 5 grind
Remove the day
Before I go to sleep
Ready to start a new one