Tag: figuringitout

That Person – R.W.

I’m trying so hard
Not to be the person
Everyone insists I’m not
Defending me blindly
In error

I’m not all that
I’m not the person
I’m idolised to be
Pro me
Team me

I didn’t ask to be put
Up here on this pedestal
I don’t deserve

by Rhiannon Writes

Awareness Breeds Recovery – R.W.

‘I’m worried about my drinking’
It’s quite an honest conversation
Held in the calm of the office
Away from the chaos of the bar
‘Why’ ‘you’re doing okay’
That’s not how I feel
The pull of the numbing solution
To the way things have changed
Away from dealing with

Anything

by Rhiannon Writes

To Have A Person – R.W.

If I wanted a person
Right now
To be responsible to
I’d have a partner
I wouldn’t have left
The relationship
That was no longer fulfilling my needs

If I wanted a person
To consider before
I make any decision for myself
I wouldn’t be living alone
In a space of my own
Where I can come and go as I please

If I wanted a person
To tell me I live life too intensely
Or change my plans
To adhere to their world view
I’d have a person

by Rhiannon Writes

Working Away – R.W.

Usually I’m scared
Worried about what might be

Pissed off by delayed trains
And anxious a hotel booking
Doesn’t exist

I know the company covers it
Sorts all of this for me
Doesn’t stop the anxiety
As I spend hours trying to get here

This time I’m not worried
Slight twinges of will I have a room
But my intrusive thoughts
Shake off this negativity
Who cares ?
If I don’t have a room I get one

And charge it back to the company,
They sent me here
It’s their fault if they didn’t plan
Regardless it’ll work for me
As I cannot be onsite
From several hours commute away

Right now that train of thought is winning
Regardless of what faces me here
Atleast I’m not working at home

by Rhiannon Writes

Sifting – R.W.

I don’t know what words
I want to commit to page
I don’t know where I am
What my head thinks
At this stage

I’m settling out
Mood equalising
On the pills prescribed to me
Fortnightly check ins
Chatting with my GP

by Rhiannon Writes

The Sadness in Leaving -R.W.

I am incredibly sad
That’s it
That’s the story
I’m sad

So sad I feel I might cry
In fact I probably will
I think I’ve messed up
But not for me

I think I’ve messed you up
By leaving
Doing the best thing for me
Might just have been the worst for you

I never wanted to hurt you
Never ever
And to think I’ve made you sad
Hurts me more
Than leaving ever did

by Rhiannon Writes

Hospital 3 – R.W.

I spent 48 hrs in a&e

I know the TV program is 24 hrs

I didn’t even expect to be there that long

I didn’t expect to go at all

A Saturday evening trip to out of hours gp

Turned into an immersive summary

Of the state of the once great NHS

I didn’t have a bed

For any of the time I was admitted

The ladies who helped me

When my IV beeping it needed attention

Was keeping me up at night

Wrapped blankets around me as I shivered

Unable to hold my temperature

Were not nurses

The nurses were over run

With too many patients for the amount working

No the ladies of the IV lounge

We’re just further along in their journey than me

They never saw a bed either

48 hrs ahead of me

Discharged like an angel leaving

One at a time

As I’m half conscious, only slightly coherent

As the antibiotics start to kick in

Good bye my love

They finally discharged me

I hope you get out soon

And get well soon

by Rhiannon Writes

Hospital 2 – R.W.

I want to start unpacking my trip
The baggage I bought home
From my unexpected hospital stay
I wasn’t trying to get admitted
Just a quick trip to the out of hours doctors
Who passed me on
Unexpected unprepared and with no belongings

I’m home now and I don’t know where to start
Processing how this changed me
The time spent wrapped up in myself
While forcibly in the company of other people
Comradory growing between the unlikeliest of pals
Cultivated by circumstance

All out on the table
In our worst states
No one gives a shit what you look like
On your Unexpected hospital stay

by Rhiannon Writes

My Dad’s Diagnosis – R.W.

Side note , this is why I stopped writing for a few months. The few things I did write may never see the light of day

My dad’s got cancer
I feel like I should be writing about it
Processing
Using the words to sooth the pain
But all I can do is cry

Everyone deals with cancer differently
My only friend who’s had a parent go through the same thing
Reassures me
As my mum says she wants us to keep going as normal

Everyone else is asking questions
So many questions
What stage? How do they know?
Is it treatable?
I don’t have any of these answers
And if i did
I don’t know if I’d share

So many questions
Everytime my phone buzzes
Someone else asking something else
I don’t know
All I want to do is
Cry

The end result is switching my phone off
I’ve  told you
Now leave me alone

by Rhiannon Writes

Car Tears – R.W.

I’m crying in the car again
Tears rolling down my face again
Sadness creeping over me
Again
Not sad about any particular thing
Just the collective sadness
Of my existence at the moment
Overwhelming
Seeping out
Crawling down my face
In these times I’m on my own
Sat in the solitude
Of my commute

by Rhiannon Writes